My Weakness and God’s Strength: Our first month and a half

I don’t like feeling weak. Actually, I hate it. I much prefer to depend solely on myself to do things exactly the way I want them done and exactly when I think they should be done. In some ways, I have a very strong personality. And that doesn’t leave a lot of room for me to hear what God is telling me or anyone else. Ironically, I think thats one of the reasons God has called me to have many children. Because pregnancy alone makes me feel weak. It also makes me feel full of new life in a way that compares to nothing else and results in the greatest blessing. But the awareness of my own weakness and dependence is ever present in my mind. It demands a humility in me to accept help that I wouldn’t otherwise need or want. It requires me to depend on my husband in a way that I otherwise do not. It is teaching me over time to learn this dependence does not have to be negative, that I can allow God to use this dependence to grow humility in me. Or I can resist it. I can become downtrodden and inward focused, self-despairing. No doubt, this is what the enemy wants…to allow my weakness to depress me. But God is giving me an invitation in this moment and in every other: to allow Him to transform me, to lean on Him when I’m weak, to ask Him to give me more grace in each moment, to allow Him to teach me how to accept help from others, to allow Him to teach me to be long-suffering and persevere in the difficult moments.

This has been a challenging month for me. I am learning more and more that I’m not a person who adapts to change easily or quickly. I like my routines. While I already knew this, this characteristic has become obnoxiously apparent in this season. Unfortunately, there have been many days when I have become self-despairing in the face of this weakness of mine. Mind you, I have gone through the motions of reading scripture and praying but my heart has frequently been set on self-pity. However, each time I choose to truly pour my heart out to God, to tell Him how I’m feeling, to allow Him to enter in, to ask Him to steady me and to be my strength; He does. The circumstances generally do not change, but my heart does. Of course, the whole time I know in my head the He is my strength but when my life is exactly as I think it should be and my routines are unfettered, it is easy for me to feel completely independent and that I don’t really need God to be my strength. It is in my weakness when I’m forced to acknowledge my need for Him that I give Him permission to be my all and feel in my heart that He is my strength. These moments and seasons that bring me to my knees also bring me the most freedom to realize that not only am I not in control, I don’t have to be in control and I don’t have to know everything. I simply have to turn to the One who made me, to relinquish my grip to Him, to allow Him to be my strength, to ask and listen to His voice, to turn to Him to guide me, and to obey Him.

Jaylyn praying in a chapel in one of the ranchos near General Cepeda

We arrived at our mission post in General Cepeda, Mexico the third week of January. The first item on our agenda was to settle in and find a place to live. While a mission house is present in General Cepeda, neither Jeremy nor I wanted to live there. We planned to stay there only until finding other housing. However, after looking at several other options in the town of General Cepeda and in the surrounding ranchos (villages), we didn’t feel called to live in any of these options and surprisingly were both feeling at peace in the mission house. Knowing we should not jump into ministry but allow God to guide us in His plan for us in General Cepeda, living in the mission house allowed us to meet many people who came to the front door there for help thanks to the established “door ministry” at the mission house. We had the opportunity to buy groceries for several women, to pay for medical bills for two people, and to provide work for a couple of women.This opportunity to “do” something to help others in this season of “settling in” was a great blessing to Jeremy and I. While communication with the people in need was difficult and slow due to our limited knowledge of Spanish, Google translate allowed us to communicate adequately. These opportunities also made glaringly obvious our need for language school.

Jeremy and the kids walking toward the boat dock to San Pedro

We decided to attend language school in San Pedro, Guatemala due to our ability to purchase flights and one-on-one Spanish classes for cheaper than we could pay for group classes in Mexico. After two weeks in General Cepeda, we left to begin studying Spanish intensively for four weeks. We are very much enjoying learning and studying Spanish and are excited to return to Mexico and to be able to more effectively communicate with the local people. It is beautiful in Guatemala and it has been an amazing experience to see a new place and culture; however, I will say I’m especially excited to return to Mexico as many of the inconveniences I saw as challenging about living in the mission house and in General Cepeda no longer seem so challenging or inconvenient after living in our choice of housing in San Pedro. We chose economical housing that appeared adequate but has proven challenging. However, I’m grateful that this has resulted in a change in my perspective on how I view the “inconveniences” in the mission house in General Cepeda.

In the park in front of the Catholic Church in San Pedro

I began typing this two weeks ago and I’m so glad I’m not in the spiritual and emotional place I was in then. I don’t want any part of trials and suffering. But, oh, how I want to know Jesus more. I want to feel more of Jesus’ love and be transformed more into the person He wants me to be: more loving, joyful, patient, kind and generous no matter what the circumstances are. So I pray, “Lead me, Lord. My life is in Your hands. I want to trust You more. I want to love You more. I want more of You in me. Help me to accept the trials that come. Help me to see Your face in everything. I want to be who You made me to be. I want to love others like You do-my family, my friends, the poor, and the forgotten. Please grow my love, Lord.” Even as I pray this, I’m nervous for the trials that will surely come but I am also excited for more of Jesus.

In front of one of the public buses in San Pedro

When I quit fighting my circumstances and choose to accept them, I allow God’s peace to fill me. When I choose to be present in each moment and yet keep my focus on Jesus’ face, I am able to receive His grace and can then see the good in each situation. Though roaches may fall through my lap when I go to the bathroom at night and as I continue to pick fleas off myself and my kids, I am still okay. Because I am His.

When I was in the U.S., this would have sounded horrific to me. God has definitely given me the grace to accept it right now. And truly I’m grateful to have just a little more understanding and empathy for the poor. We have plenty of good food, indoor running water, an indoor bathroom and shower, and a washing machine. We have the ability to buy household products to attempt to get rid of the bugs and protect ourselves from them. We have seen many women here washing their laundry and bathing themselves and their children in the lake. They work hard all day to attempt to put food in their families’ bellies; I’m certain the difficulties we have had here would be far from the top of their list of concerns.

Women washing their laundry in the lake in San Pedro

I praise God for a renewed zeal to share His love with those in need. There have been many opportunities to share His love in San Pedro, Guatemala this month, but we are eager to return to General Cepeda, Mexico this week to live into God's mission for us and His people there.

Thank you to each of you reading this for your support and prayers!

With love in Christ,

Lisa